Nothing says I hate you more than a bag on the seat.

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Legs spread and a bag on the seat next to him.

Leylandii hedges and 7ft fence panels surrounding redundant lawns, curtains always drawn, in detached houses.

Driving alone, offloading pollution from where you live to where you don’t want to live.

And yet it’s young kids hanging out with their friends that get labelled “anti-social”.

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Turds tied up in trees: it’s the thought that counts

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Tied up turds in a tree.

When I was young, I loved the joke that went:

“I thought about getting you a really expensive present whilst I was shopping on Oxford Street last week. But then I realised it’s the thought that counts, so I didn’t bother.”

I would have loved to have had the guts to get away with that.

When I see dog turds tied up in little plastic bags in trees, it’s as if someone has done exactly that. “It’s the thought that counts – you take this home, shitpicker!”

This is what they think whilst they carefully tie the bag of turd to the nearest tree to the crime scene:

“I have my mock Tudor-fronted pseudo manor on a cul-de-sac with a mortgage I can’t really afford, with my fortified leylandii hedge and my carriage – and so I have my hounds.

I exercise my hounds around my extensive estate, which, if I shut my eyes whenever any shitpickers walk past, I can pretend is all mine. But I am an ethical employer, so I don’t want any servants.

Considering that I have a Bachelors of Arts (hons), and am a Professional, it really is inefficient for a person of my social standing to carry the stools of my hound. There are people that I pay for through my taxes to do that. Council people. I provide them gainful employment as shitpickers. Maybe if they work hard picking up my dog’s turds, they can end up like me one day. Besides, it’s really not a good look to be seen carrying bags of shit. Someone else can do that.

I know that dog excrement is foul and that it is such a pain to tread in it. So I have picked it up and put it in a bag and I tie it to this tree so that one day the Council people will pick it up. It’s the thought that counts.”

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Almost exactly like a Jacobean manor house.